Bob Terrill

Becoming Human Bob Terrill

This memoir is written to tell the story of my longing for wholeness, acceptance and love. I was born to parents who withheld intimacy through silence, non touch and emotional distance. The yearning for acceptance created in me the need to behave differently with different people. In this story I relate some of the behaviors that were futile attempts to find peace of mind. Because my actions were based on the illusion that they would lead emotional and spiritual balance, I spent most of my life beating my head against the wall because nothing worked. After I retired I had the urgency to find the truth. This became more important than staying caught in a web of frustration. If I could become truth, then that which I yearned for would become reality. If I could get there my truth would emerge and I would be in sync with the cosmos. My aging soul would be at one with itself, God, every thing and every one. The peaceful mind that had eluded me would arrive, the polarized life would go away and my heart would rest in the presence of The Divine One. As an Episcopal Priest who was tragically wounded young boy, I managed to find the warmth and love I needed and this effected a change in my baseline Christian theology. I moved to the side of orthodoxy and into a more syncretistic meditative style that embraced other religions. I became a meta religious person that believed in Jesus and other divinities that were and are peaceful and loving. In light of this, any word that refers to the Deity is inclusive. If you see the word God it means the same as Allah, Yahweh, Nirvana, Brahma- Atman, Dao, Great Spirit, Christ, Holy Spirit any Deity of any religion. Because the majority of people struggle through life in search of a peaceful place that relieves their mental and emotional pain, Herman Melville's words as expressed by Captain Ahab ring true: "And Heaven have mercy on us all - Presbyterians and Pagans alike - for we are all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need of mending." This book is about my lifelong metamorphosis in the mending of my cracked head.